Can I Be 21 Forever?
Almost a quarter of a century has passed, and the branches of thought have been expanding their territory. Demanding these parts of the body to yield. Realizing that there are always things that may not happen, that will happen, and that are happening beyond our control. Even though it casts a shadow over the mood from morning till night, this mind doesn’t care. It only conveys. Sometimes it tries to hold back even if it means shedding tears that sometimes feel in vain.
I decided to become apathetic in certain aspects that are not necessarily beneficial, brushing aside all opinions that can be fun to debate during breaks. I stepped into a room that binds, presses from all directions, demands continuous understanding of the mindset of people from different generations. Even in the first week, I had to cry when I got home, realizing how fragile the mind is, something that cannot be deceived. Trying not to be problematic, but in reality, a new branch of thought grows that requires me to learn more, even about things I’m not ready to learn at this moment.
My aversion to growing up is always vivid when I look at photos from recent years, even though I knew it would end up like this. A life path that keeps growing and sometimes feels stagnant.
I want to be 21 years old forever. Buying as many clothes as possible for different party occasions, wondering if any of my dates will become a life partner, or other silly surprises and dramas that let me sleep soundly every night. As if tomorrow is a new day and there’s a lot of new happiness. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?
Unfortunately, I have to keep moving, passing through spaces and times that are more complex, requiring me to understand more, not to be understood. The difficulty in falling asleep quickly, crying suddenly for no reason, or dealing with various fears that come more often. I don’t hate responsibilities, obligations, or my choice to be more productive. I’m just trying to understand that this isn’t easy, that within a week, there will be critical hours that show symptoms of mental weakness, and this is not to be copied.
So what do I do? Right, it can’t be like this forever. Annoying transitional periods will remain annoying. The only thing that can make me accept this process is not changing myself. I will remain a cheerful girl, who dresses up as she pleases, who believes in zodiac predictions, who believes that my heaviest problem is just a project assigned to me, and I have to be able to present my work to the management. Because if I keep yielding to thoughts that try to accomplish many things at once, that try to be perfect as someone in a new environment, it’s all too exhausting. And at least, my sleep can be sound, without feeling the need to scream.
